I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
