the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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