Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
