I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
