I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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