I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
