My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
