just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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