I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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