I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
