Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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