I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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