you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
