Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
