And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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