Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
