Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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