That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
