I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Did I show you my penis last night?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize