Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
