Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize