loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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