Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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