dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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