Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
