when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
