I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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