And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
