shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
