when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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