can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
