I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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