this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
