I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
