Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
