If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
