Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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