When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize