in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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