i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
