This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
