I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
