Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
