This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
