im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
