He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
