Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
