Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
