If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
