I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
