so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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