Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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