Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
