I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
