He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
FUCK WHALES
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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