burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Your penis caused this!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize