I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
