Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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