i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
