Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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