Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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