Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
whose parrot is this?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
