yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
