He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
