I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Randomize
