there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
