Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
