and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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