So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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